Death by Desk

If he didn't take his destiny in his hands he would have died here. Without a stapler.

I hate to break this to you, but Americans are fat and lazy. If you’re reading this and you’re not American, then its likely that you are 31% more awesome than us. I was raised to believe that the epitome of work success was a well paying desk job. And at this job I would sit on my butt all day and do little more than shuffle papers and talk fast into a telephone.  In this circa 1993 fantasy, there were also fax machines and cyborg secretaries.

Fast forward 18 years and I am equal parts proud and embarrassed that I have grasped hold of the dream. I have a desk job.  I come in to my office, take two cups of coffee to the face and stare bleary eyed at a computer screen for eight hours from the comfort of my buttocks. There’s no cyborg secretary, but each week I have rousing discussions about the Terminator universe.

Well last week, I discovered that my dream is killing me. According to Men’s Health, sitting at my desk is the most dangerous thing I’ll do all day. The article is here.  Long story short, by sitting at your desk all day you increase your likelihood of a heart attack by 54% - independent of any other factor; whether you work out, eat right, abstain from smoking you are still at risk. And that sucks.  I’m sure that you’re getting antsy now because this post is not yet emanating awesome. Be patient, its coming.

So, within the article the good people at Men’s Health suggested that we all abandon sitting desks and acquire standing desks.  A really nice one looks like this:

That is nice...

This sounded like a good suggestion to me, but my company isn’t gonna lay out for me to get a brand new standing desk.  So what do I do? I make one. And mine looks like this:

...but that is awesome

That’s right. It’s a keyboard on an empty paper box, a mouse on a postal package, and a monitor on a storage cube pilfered from the copy room. BOOM. That’s what you call Get ‘er done a/k/a Makeshift Awesomeness.

So what exactly are the implications of my improvised brilliance for you?  I’ll let you choose your own adventure today:

If its to work with what you got and to work it well, turn to page “I’m Awesome because I can make a dollar outta 15 cents”

If its no matter how humble the beginning, it only matters that I’ve begun, turn to page “I’m Awesome because I recognize my ability to create my own moments”

If its I don’t see what the big deal is, you just stacked some crap on your desk and put your stuff on it, turn to page “I think being a hypercritical jerk makes me Awesome, but deep down I know I’m not”

What page are you on?

The Other Side

"Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go."

--T.S. Eliot

Everything looks like art in the future - even hallways

People probably think many different things when they think of Ethan Hawke.  Those thoughts may range from “Who is Ethan Hawke?” to “Ethan who?” For your benefit, I will summarize his life in 9 words: He cheated on Uma Thurman and starred in Gattaca. For the purposes of awesomeness consultancy we will focus on the latter.

If you’ve never seen Gattaca, don’t worry – no one else did either.  But, if you are so inclined, you can read a pretty good synopsis of the film here. For the purposes of awesomeness consultancy, this is the synopsis:

In a future where most people are genetically engineered, Ethan Hawke is not. He dreams of becoming an astronaut, but due to the genetic prejudices of his time, he is a second class citizen with no chance.  He “rents” the identity of a person with the necessary genetic pedigree. He becomes an astronaut.

Of course the movie was more complex than that including: love interests, murders, limb lengthening, suicide by cremation, etc…But the key scene of the film involved Ethan Hawke and his genetically engineered brother. His brother had been his superior their entire young lives until Ethan beat him in a single swimming competition. With that success, Ethan left home knowing that he could achieve his dream.  Near the end of the movie, Ethan and his brother meet again. Having the ghost of that single defeat still haunting him, and embittered by the success that his inferior sibling has achieved, he challenges Ethan to another race.  Once again, Ethan is victorious. This is the ensuing conversation:

Jealous Hearted Genetically Engineered Brother: (flabbergastedly) "Vincent! How are you doing this, Vincent? How have you done any of this? We have to go back!"

Ethan Hawke: (assuredly) "It's too late for that, we're closer to the other side."

Genetically Engineered Brother with a Crushed Spirit: (fearfully) "What other side? Do you want to drown us both?"

Ethan Hawke: (triumphantly) "You want to know how I did it? This is how I did it, Anton. I never saved anything for the swim back."

I never saved anything for the swim back. That single line is why I love the movie Gattaca. Because Ethan Hawke’s single mindedness allowed him to transcend every imposed limitation of the world that he was born into. He proved that will trumps pedigree.  He displayed the most noble manifestation of the axiom “…or die trying.” 

Are we willing to go all out; to pour ourselves out completely in pursuit of the dreams that inspire us?  Or are we still saving something for the trip back; afraid to go too far?  If our limits remain comfortably fixed and untested how will we find out what’s on the other side?

Let me give you some advice…

Why do TV and movies always make "little people" magical?

I pay too much for cable. Every month I send AT&T and ungodly sum of money to pay for my internet, cable, and phones (landline and wireless). I am a coppertop in their matrix. Such is life. But every once and again, the value of the service merits the cost. And as I watched the premiere of “Game of Thrones” on HBO, that balance was met.

I’m not going to spend much time telling you about how awesome this show is. Just believe that it is – plus I’m certain that no less than (insert an astronomical number) blogs have already choked servers with its praise. There’s no need for me to walk a well-worn path.  What I want to highlight is the advice that a naughty, yet perceptive, dwarf gave to an illegitimately born son of a House Lord.

“Let me give you some advice bastard. Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.”

Harsh words, right?  You don’t go around calling people bastards. Those were fighting words in every kung fu movie I’ve ever watched - ketchup would be spilled at its utterance. However, in this instance, the word was used to liberate. How so?

We often try to deny what we are because we are ashamed. Because what we are doesn’t  fit perfectly within the picture. Because what we are fails to meet an imposed standard that we didn’t participate in creating. Because what we are has been used to injure us. And it’s all because we haven’t yet owned our perfectly flawed, hideously beautiful selves. 

My advice? 

• Own what you are and wear it like armor.
• Pay a ridiculous bill to your local cable provider and watch “Game of Thrones” with me.

The Power of Preparation – What You Can Learn from House Party

Yo Bilal...Switch again!!!

Before we get started, you MUST watch the following clip. If for no other reason, because its awesome.

If you only take one lesson from the classic film “House Party” then this is it: Be Prepared. You have absolutely no idea when you will be called upon to engage in a dance battle, so you and your partner better have that choreographed routine mastered.  As a matter of fact, you need to have several routines because you don’t know how many rounds it will take to serve your opponents. As Kid demonstrated, you need to be prepared to issue the challenge with full confidence in your ability to back it up. As Play demonstrated, you need to be prepared to pick up the gauntlet in case your heavy-set drunk friend collapses. As Chill demonstrated, you have to be prepared to say “Bust It!” at the perfect time. And as Sidney and Sharane demonstrated, you not only need to be prepared to accept the challenge, but also to use finger snaps to indicate which dance sequences to initiate. I often took for granted the valuable message that the Hudlin Brothers were trying to impart with this film – Preparation is power.

We don’t have to look far to see the value of preparation. A sprinter trains for hours, days, months…to prepare for a race that will be over in less than 30 seconds.  A musician practices week after week to play a single selection.  Pilots have to log hundreds of hours before they can fly unaided even once. But the greatest value of the lesson is most appropriately shown in the clip. You prepare because you never know when it’ll be time to perform – and you need to be ready at all times. 

Be committed to the process of preparation. It will likely involve some uncomfortable moments and you have to stick it out. It may take countless hours. You have to be willing to do it even when you don’t feel like it. No doubt, Play kicked Kid a few times as they tried to get the timing right on that leg sweep/jump over/split. 

You have to have the clarity to recognize when it’s time to put your preparation to use and when it isn’t.  During the repast at your great aunt’s funeral is not the time to launch into your thesis about the failure of the bi-partisan political system. I don’t think this needs further elaboration.

Finally, be confident. Once you have prepared, you’ve done all that you can do. Now actually get down to the doing. The moment that you are preparing for is often going be a moment that you create.

Remember:

1. Commit yourself to the process of preparing
2. Recognize when your preparation is applicable
3. Create your moment

Now go serve a sucka (or suckette) on the dance floor.

The Awesomeness Chronicles: The Morning Run

He's saying "You can do it!"

As part of sharing the Journey to Awesomeness, I think that its fair for me to share excerpts from my life that highlight my view from the road. As such, I will from time to time share some of my direct experiences that have taught me lessons about awesomeness. This is the first of what will be The Awesomeness Chronicles.  We’ll call this one, The Morning Run. The following story took place a little while back, so travel with me… [I wish I had one of those flashback, hypno-spirals right now]

I can say that it started at around 11:30 last night.  It wasn’t full-blown yet, but doubt had begun to wash over my thoughts.  I laid in the bed thinking, I don’t know, as I imagined getting up the next morning. I went on to sleep.

“Daddy, can I have some water?”

I rolled over and grabbed a cup of water from my nightstand.  I went to the bathroom, rinsed it out and refilled it. I plodded to my sons’ bedroom and reached my arm up to the top bunk.  My son gulped down the water.  I looked at the bottom bunk to see that my youngest son was awake as well.  I turned the TV off, cursing myself for thinking that they would fall asleep with Animal Planet playing. No more TV, I must be retarded.  I flopped back into the bed and strained to make out the time. It was 4:45.  The doubt had grown.  I was not getting up at 6:00 to run.

Last week, I started an 8-week running program to get back into shape.  I was beginning to feel like I was 30.  I determined that I needed to discipline myself, that I was missing out on life because I was accustomed to taking the path of least resistance.  I would whip my body into shape and direct my life follow suit.

The first week of the program is designed to go like this:

Monday: Run 1 min. Walk 2 min. repeat 10x

Tuesday: Walk 30 min.

Wednesday: Run 1 min. Walk 2 min. repeat 10x

Thursday: Walk 30 min.

Friday: Run 1 min. Walk 2 min. repeat 10x

Saturday: Run 1 min. Walk 2 min. repeat 10x

Sunday: Rest.

Simple right?

It actually went like this:

Monday: Run 1 min. Walk 2 min. repeat 10x

Tuesday: Oversleep.

Wednesday: Run 1 min. Walk 2 min. repeat 10x

Thursday: Oversleep

Friday: Oversleep; Postpone until evening; Go get a gyro instead.

Saturday: Forget it.

Sunday: Rest.

So this morning I woke up at 6:03. I took a deep breath and got out of the bed at 6:05 and fumbled around for my running clothes.  At around 4:48, I had come up with a great plan to slack off.  I figured that I might as well start over and repeat week 1.  And since I had already earned credit for actually running on Monday and Wednesday, I don’t have to get up at 6:00 and run today.  I can pick up on Wednesday.  That was my plan all the way up until 6:04.  But I realized that I would be defeating the whole purpose and once again resigning myself to the path of least resistance. 

I stepped outside into the cool morning air.  The abundance of trees from the neighboring forest preserve keeps the air fresh, and I appreciated it.  I decided that I would just move on to the week 2 regimen.  Monday’s workout calls for me to Run 2 min. and walk 1 min, repeating 10 times.  What’s the big deal?  After 2-minute run #2, I understood the big deal.  I was paying for slacking off.  I decided to revert to week 1. I would have to start over and do it right – no oversleeping, no missing days, and no gyro blow-offs. 

I admit after two 2-minute runs, having decided to redo week 1, I came up with another slacker plan.  Since I had already run for 4 minutes, I could technically resume at 1 minute run #5.  I’m retarded, this is retarded to even be doing, I’m living a lazy retarded life.  So after beating myself for 1 minute and 34 seconds, I picked back up with 1 minute run #3.  There is no credit. I pushed the top-right button on the Armitron that I had bought for this express purpose.  After one minute the alarm would sound, telling me that I could walk again.  With each successive 1-minute run, the time between my button push and the alarm’s beeeeep-----beep-beep------ beep-beep grew longer. 

It was 6:34:26.  Run # 7 would start in 34 seconds.  My walk breaks seemed to grow shorter as my runs got longer. But the time wasn’t changing. Perspective is a heckuva thing.  At 6:35:30, when it felt like I had been running for 2 minutes, the seagulls began to caw.  To me it sounded like coarse, mocking laughter. There were two of them, like they were sharing a joke about me as I ambled through the parking lot, trying to get to 6:36. In my mind, Shut up…turned into…Go on and laugh, I'll make it.  The seagulls shut up.

At the end of Run #9 the seagulls started to laugh again.  I had watched the clock count down this time, anxiously – almost desperately, waiting for the alarm’s beeeeep-----beep-beep------ beep-beep.  I was joyful but apprehensive as I began to approach Run #10.  I resolved that I would run this last one as hard as I possibly could.  But what if I didn’t have it in me?  What if I gave the seagulls something really funny to laugh at? Forget it, run hard.  I started my stride then pushed the top-right button on the Armitron that I had bought for this express purpose.  I ran hard.  And as I ran, I heard a new bird.  Now, I’m not an ornithologist, nor am I even an Eagle, Wolf, or Squirrel Scout, so I can’t tell you what kind of bird it was.  In my mind, however, it was one of the noble birds; an eagle or a hawk.  This noble bird’s call sounded like a cheer of encouragement. I ran harder.  I ran for what felt like 10 seconds, and felt my stride start to break. The noble bird cheered again and I regained my step.  After what felt like 15 seconds, the alarm’s beeeeep-----beep-beep------ beep-beep completely caught me off guard.

Admit it…You suck sometimes

Just admit it...

It’s a hard pill to swallow. You are looking in the mirror and the person staring back is not the one that you imagined.  You are certain that you are taller; that your skin is clearer; that your teeth are whiter; that your nostrils are the same size… But alas, reality and your mental image can’t seem to agree.

This phenomenon is not limited to your morning visit to the bathroom and the mirror is not limited to the shiny thing hanging over your sink.  A glimpse of yourself as you actually are right now, a full-blown moment of true self-reflection – can happen anytime and anyplace.  When that moment occurs and your true self-reflection reveals that you are exactly what you think you are, and furthermore, what you want to be – then congratulations, you are awesome and I want to hire you to be my consultant. [Please note: I am currently paying for services in sandwiches]

However, when that moment occurs and your true self-reflection reveals that you are NOT exactly what you think you are, nor what you want to be – then I think you have two basic options:

Option 1: Deny it. Keep living life just as you have been. Consider the realization to be a hallucination borne of drinking bad milk and watching a LOST marathon during a thunderstorm.  As reality TV has proven, reality isn’t for everyone. While I think it goes without saying that this is the bad option, it probably is worth discussing but would take an entire post to elaborate on.  So let’s put a pin in that.

Option 2: Accept it. Admit that you suck, even if it’s just a little bit.  Admitting your weaknesses/shortcomings/missteps not only builds character and diminishes ego, it exposes opportunities for continued growth. Honest self-assessments, good or bad, are the stepping stones that the road to awesomeness is paved with. I make it a practice to admit that I suck daily.  It’s not because I don’t like myself, or that I don’t value the person that I am today.  It’s because I know that the person that I imagine myself being is still waiting to be fully revealed. And until I’m honest enough the cast off the various husks of suckitude that hide that version of me, I’ll keep coming away from the mirror with disillusionment. While I think it goes without saying that this is the good option, I’d like to go on record as advocating for Option 2.

 

Just in case you’re worried about it, admitting that you suck in no way diminishes and/or contradicts your awesomeness. Rest assured. However, if you realize and admit that you suck but then do nothing about it – YOU. SUCK.  EVEN. WORSE.

Please enjoy the song that inspired today’s post, courtesy of Avery Sunshine and the good people at YouTube. It is awesome indeed.

You are the Master: Start Glowing

Berry Gordy x (Kung Fu movie set in Harlem + Vanity ) ÷ DeBarge on the soundtrack = Arguably one of the best pieces of cinema ever.

When the Awesomeness Consultant was a little lad, his poppa took him to see “The Last Dragon.”  His young mind saw: karate fights, random breakdancing, glowing people, bullets caught in teeth, and DeBarge. He was overwhelmed by the film’s awesomeness, and wanted to glow badly.

Having grown up a little, my perspective of the movie has grown up as well.  Now I see someone on their journey to awesomeness. Along the way, he is misled by his own misconceptions which make him easily susceptible to confusion.  He believes that belt buckles are magic charms. He believes that supreme masters can be found at fortune cookie factories. He believes that avoiding confrontation is victory. He is constantly seeking something outside of himself, but it can only be found inside. He wants to find the master, but never looks in the mirror.

At the climax of the film, our hero is facing defeat and possibly death at the hands of his nemesis. The villain taunts him, repeatedly asking “Who’s the Master?”  The hero is finally awakened to the fact that he is himself the master.  He starts glowing and kicks fireworks out of the villain’s face…seriously. Being a fully realized master, he goes on to catch a bullet in his teeth and get the girl. The end.

We can all relate to Bruce Leroy, the awakened master.  We spend countless hours, days, and years of our lives seeking something outside of ourselves that has the answer.  It may be our work, our friends, our books; it may be anything.  And we remain painfully unaware of the fact that we already have what we seek – in fact, we ARE what we seek. 

Maybe we have to acquire that knowledge in the fight of our lives against a guy in pajamas with glowing red hands…who knows?  But I do know that your awesomeness is waiting to shine. So, dazzle us with your glow.